What Should Be On Every Singapore Expat’s Christmas List

IMG_1331HAPPY FRIDAY!  (Who’s that guy, you ask? We’ll get to that . . .)

Once again, we bring you the Annual Textpat Wives Christmas List. We hope you love it as much as we loved “researching,” by which we mean drinking wine and online shopping and howling with laughter – and then remembering that we were supposed to be writing. Follow the links to confirm that we really couldn’t make this s*** up.

What Should Be On Every Singapore Expat’s Christmas List – 2018

  1. Don’t Sweat It Bra Liners.   Finally someone has an answer to the boob sweat.  
  2. Any Korean beauty product.  Because everyone needs more K-Beauty in their life, and nothing says “Deck the Halls” like rubbing snail slime and foreskin juice all over your face. What? You think we’re making this up? Ask Sandra Bullock why her face looks so dewy. Go on, google it. You. Will. Die.
  3. A bracelet flask. This one has a rhinestone lid on it so you KNOW it’s classy.  Because we all know Mommy really only wants three things on Christmas morning: a little bling, a little booze, and a nap.  
  4. A necklace fan.  Is it a fashionable accessory?  Absolutely not. But neither are the pit stains.  So get one and set it on HIGH. Just be careful you don’t get your tassel necklace wrapped up in there. (Can you imagine?!?!)
  5. Travel wine bottle protectors.  If you’re going back and forth on holidays and wrapping your wine bottles in dirty t-shirts in your suitcase, you’re just asking for trouble.  Class it up with some of these.
  6. An umbrella – which is also a sun umbrella, wind-proof, opens and closes with one hand, and is small enough to keep in your handbag but large enough when open to actually keep you – and a at least one child – somewhat dry.  And it has to be pretty, with flowers or a Monet print or something. And it can’t have that ridiculous wooden hook handle because you’re not clippity-clopping your way around Victorian London like Sherlock Holmes FFS. Let us know if you find one that fits the bill.
  7. A device that FINDS YOUR CAR!  We’ll admit, this particular product seems straight off the shelves at Stalkers R Us, but we still think it would have HUGE value for us.  Because though we may need the exercise, ain’t nobody got time to be wandering the bowels of Vivo looking for their car.
  8. A shoe deodorizer machine. Because your kids’ feet reek. (And by “your” we mean “our”), and those cute sneaker balls aren’t making a dent in that stank.  What we need is a magical machine that dries out your shoes and then disinfects them. Glorious.
  9. This little device, which allows you to pee in the squat toilet without having to actually squat – and without peeing on your own ankles. Suddenly your Singapore public toilet stall options are increased by 20%!  
  10. An Uncle wall decal. An interior decorator we know told us that any room is instantly transformed when you add candles and throw pillows, and we think she was totally right but we’re pretty sure she just forgot to mention Uncles.  (And also: Hey Amazon! “Old Man Wall Decal”?! That dude isn’t “old”. He’s like early forties. Some of us consider that pretty young as a matter of fact. But F you very much. And Merry Christmas.)

Those Last Days of Expat Summer


The final days of summer holidays can be tough. First you have to say goodbye to everyone for another year, and then you’ve got to empty the beach sand from your pockets, attempt to pack everything you brought PLUS everything you’ve bought all summer (spoiler alert: It’ll never fit), and steel yourself for the journey back to Singapore, which always feels LONG AF – several hours longer than it took at the start of the summer. And of course, you might also have some last-minute shopping to do. Luckily just a few odds and ends, right?





Summit in Singapore Day 2

SUMMIT SPECIAL DAY 2: Today’s Dispatch from Textpat Towers

BREAKING NEWS…. Trump HAS ARRIVED ON SENTOSA.  “Sentosa is a very nice country” he told our source.  “Very nice. You know what would make it nicer? A great big golf resort.  Linda! Get me the phone!”

Here on this small tropical island, usually called the “State of Fun,” but this week transformed into the “State of Guns,” the twinkling lights of hundreds of oil-tankers set the scene for today’s Fairy Tale meeting.  (The Fairy Tale being, The Emperor’s New Clothes.)

Life goes on as usual for the people of Singapore, who are learning to live with the occasional traffic back-up, and the sudden unexplained island-wide shortage of Cool Ranch Doritos. The press contingent continues to grow, although we expect some breathing space this afternoon when the jetlagged yanks all get to take their naps. As Mr Trump himself told us:  It’s bad enough that it’s hot as shit, but I can’t keep my fucking eyes open.  How’s a powerful man like me – because I am powerful, but I’m also nice, I’m a good nice guy, that’s what I am, ask anybody – how am I supposed to get a round of golf in with this fucking jet-lag shit?  Don’t the time-zones know who I am?

Meanwhile, Dennis Rodman has arrived, adding to the gravitas of this historic occasion.  He immediately got himself on TV, ranting and weeping incoherently while wearing a MAGA hat, a potcoin.com t-shirt, and a dashing pair of women’s sunnies.  Again, gravitas.

Today’s handshake is expected to lead to a much closer bond between the two statesmen.  Rumours have it that they plan to spend tonight together, playing video games, eating pizza straight out of the box, and bitching about “that Justin who thinks he’s so cool”.  Who will get the top bunk is anyone’s guess.

Oh, and still no one knows where Melania is.


Summit in Singapore: Day 1

TPW Presents:


As night draws in, we look at the momentous events of the first day of the historical Singapore Summit.

Today was surprisingly breezy, with just a hint of orange in the air. Women, wearing their husband’s padded cycling shorts for pussy-protection, wandered around the back roads of Tanglin Mall, frantically trying to find an unblocked way into their expat lair.

Rumours abound as to the respective Great Leaders’ movements over the past 24 hours. One source places Trump at the Queensway McDonald’s Drive-Thru at 2am, while another assures us she was slamming Tigers with “this fat dude with bad hair” at Newton Hawker Centre all night.

We can’t comment on the many many wealthy Chinese businessmen spotted going into the Shangri-la over the course of the day, but we’re pretty damn sure that one of the them was the same guy who tried to get us to invest in his timeshare in Phuket a while back.

But still the questions abound. Where is Melania? Why does Puerto Rico still have no power? Can we *really* look like the Supreme Leader for just $8 at K-Cuts?

Tune in tomorrow, for another edition of: THE SUMMIT SPECIAL.

Ten Things You Never Did Until You Became a Singapore Expat


Ten Things You Never Did Until You Became a Singapore Expat:

1. Gather a gaggle of other women together and head off to a nearby country to volunteer for several days. (Of course we should be doing this wherever we live, but, you know…)

2. Dress up in costumes – in public – more than you ever did as a child. Why do we feel the need to do this? We’re not sure. Perhaps because we already stand out, so we might as well be wearing a tutu and bunny ears?

3. Go to a different country for a spa day. Because, when you think about it, that’s insane.

4. Drink endless Champagne on that same spa day. Because it turns out that the masseuses there don’t give a hoot about the need to flush toxins from your body post massage. Just keep chugging the bubbly, lady.

5. Feel very sorry for ourselves when our live-in maid/nanny/cook takes a few weeks off. “Two weeks of doing my own laundry? The HORROR.”

6. Go for afternoon tea. Unless of course you’re the Queen of England. (But here in Expat Land? We’re ALL queens! Pass the cucumber sandwiches!)

7. Drive to four different shops in four different locations on the island to complete your grocery shopping. And then do it again the next day.

8. In the same vein – take it upon yourself to post a PSA on Facebook alerting people to the availability of EDIBLE AVOCADOS at your local supermarket.

9. Keep an appointment diary for every member of your family. Yes, including your tiny pre-verbal children. Because people are starting to notice that your infant’s tennis serve sucks. And that Chopin is not going to just play itself.

10. Speaking of scheduling: Schedule an appointment with your parents/sibling/best friend to Facetime, so that you can yell at each other, “Can you see me?! Are we frozen?! Where did you go?! Hello?” Even it that’s all you say to each other, for 20 minutes, it still kinda feeds the soul.

Comfy Shoes In Singapore (or, Good Friends Remind Us What Really Matters In Life)




Warning: Contains photos of UGLY FEET. Just be glad that the current heat wave hadn’t hit yet when that photo was taken. Because believe us when we say that manky middle-aged hooves are NOTHING on manky *swollen* middle-aged hooves.)



A Rainy Public Holiday In Singapore

We don’t know about you all, but we’re still reeling from Tuesday.  The time a Public Holiday and an insane storm hit Singapore on the same day…

(The trauma of these things coinciding may not be obvious to those who aren’t expats here.  But trust us, the pain is real.  Expat sisters, back us up on this one.)





Durian in Singapore (and why not to run through alleys in the morning)

We all want to be the “cool expat.” The one who backwards parks in one smooth, beautiful arc. The one who prefers a kopi to a Starbucks. The one who doesn’t sound like a jackass when they throw in a “lah” once in a while.

But try as we might, it’s not always easy.





The Time An Expat In Singapore Took a Little Holiday. In Paris.

While most of us spent our holidays in the region, and a few ventured down to Oz or up to Japan or China, apparently *some* of us find this region has grown tiresome, and were therefore forced to travel to more distant locales for their holidays.  Like, say, PARIS. The rest of us – the ones who spent our holiday *not* wearing berets and instead just chasing feral kids and drinking warm cans of Tiger beer in our own backyards – might feel a teensy bit jealous of our jetsetting friends. But we’d do well to remember: all that Joie De Vivre Francais can come at a cost…


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